It's been a really hard week for me. Today, I didn't go to class. I got in bed and went to sleep. Sleep helps, but missing class is bad. I've been lonely a lot. Carla died this time last year. I think that's a big part of the ache in my chest, but not all of it. Some of it is anxiety about school. Busy work and due dates. I think I constantly battle fear. "What if this lab report is really hard? What if I get stuck and don't know what to do?" The answers to these question are obvious of course. If I get stuck, I go to office hours and ask questions or ask a classmate, but the questions remain... nagging at me. They are my little demon friends. They get stronger and louder as I get tired or sad. Today, they were deafening. I kept running into pockets of sorrow like pockets of fog on an early fall evening. They are surprising, mesmorizing and cold. Like for they transform the familiar into the unknown. But I like fog. It's beautiful. This feeling is to big for me to see beauty in it, and it's too blinding for me to see.
Clearing the cobwebs out of my head is a MUST DO. I have a few ideas.
I've been alone a lot. Even when Andrew is here, we work in separate rooms because Andrew likes to watch TV in the background while he works. It helps him focus. I cannot be near a TV if I am to get anything done. If there is a TV in the room that I can hear, I am mesmerized by it.
As a means of spending less time alone, I think I'm going to try to do some of my work in the computer lab at Merryfield. Then I will be around other grad students in my program. This should have the additional advantage of getting to know them better.
The University offers group counseling/support groups.I might see if I can be a part of the anxiety management group or the depression managment. I think it's kind of like alcoholics anonymous, but for other issues.
My third idea costs money and I'm not sure if its worth it. I love martial arts. Doing BJJ tend to make me happier. Maybe it's the social. Maybe it's the exercise. I think it's both. There's a school in town that I think is very good.
Well that's some things for me to try. There's also the old "just do it."