A few things I saw today

Alex sleeping on the bed

Russian Sage (I think) blooming a few blocks away

This bunch of Russian Sage grows on 29th St. near the co-op. This plants are one of my favorite things about late summer.

Kissing at Cannon Beach

Andrew and Me kissing outside the coffee shop at Cannon Beach

I like this photo a lot. My sister, Sarah took it. We had to hold the pose, so if you look really closely at it you can tell that Andrew is trying not to laugh.  Good job, Pookie (aka Sarah) this is one of my favorite photos of Andrew and me. 

Alex Born April 15 2012

Alex sitting in what is currently his favorite spot

Andrew and I went to the humane society yesterday and found Alex. His name was Perseus, but we felt that it was too long and didn't suit him. He is a very mellow kitten; playful but relaxed.
Ember is grumpy about him being here. He is not her Julius. Of course Alex cannot replace Julius, but I think he will be a good kitty.  I miss purry Ember. Transitions are a pain. I think he and Ember will be cuddling in less than a week, but for the moment there is a fair bit of hissing for the disgruntled Ember.

Alex is trying to eat one of my bras as I type. I always forget just how playful kittens are. He has funny sleeping habits. I woke up in the night last night to find that Alex was under my pillow. I had a moment of alarm. Had he suffocated? He stretched and purred. Nope he just likes to sleep in strange places. He spent a lot of this afternoon napping on top of the bucket where we keep the ferret bedding. I had left a towel on it.

Julius Died Sunday August 19, 2012

Sunday morning as Andrew and I were getting ready to leave for my parents house, we noticed that Julius was acting strangely. He was meowing, which was normal for him but he wasn't walking around which was weird. When I went over to talk to him, I found that he couldn't move his back legs. They were completely lifeless. He seemed to be coming to this realization at about the same time that I was. He starting trying to drag himself around getting more and more upset. I started to cry as I looked for a vet that was open on Sunday. I guess I kind of knew there was not going to be a way to fix whatever was broken. The vet told us that his heart had thrown a clot which had lodge near his spin cutting off circulation to his back legs. Putting him down was really the only thing to do. Andrew got Julius to purr for a minute while we were in the vet office.
There was paperwork, an IV and then his was gone; not scared anymore just gone. I couldn't stop crying, so I just multitasked. Making decisions about cremation. No. What sized bag would you like to take him home in? No bag just the blanket we used to bring him in. The vet hugged me. She seemed really sad.
We buried Julius at my parents house in the garden next to Molly the dog. I called ahead and asked my dad to dig a grave for me. Andrew pointed out that I might want to use a different phrasing. That made me laugh a little but I was still multitasking. When it was time to put him in the ground I asked Andrew and Dad to give me a minute to say goodbye. His body had gone cold and stiff, but I held him close and bawled my heart out. I apparently scarred most of my family away. When I looked up they had all gone inside except Dad and Andrew.
 It's been almost a week now. I miss my fat orange kitty. Andrew misses him too, I know. Ember is very lonely.

Cannon Beach at the Insomnia Coffee Shop

Sarah and Joe sitting at the coffee shop

Sarah- "I'm going to get my coffee!"

Joe - "where did she go?"

Joe-"I will take over the world while she is gone!"

Sarah - "what you lookin at!"

Sarah has coffee. Joe has Sarah. All is well in the wold.

Andrew - "life is interesting."

Dispelling the Thrawl of Guilt

 
More than two years ago, I broke somebody's heart. He made his pain clear; held me on the phone for hours talking about how he wanted to kill himself and making me cry until I threw up. I loved him very much. It hurt me to hurt him, but I couldn't stay. The breakup was messy. I number it amongst the things that I think of when I wish I had done things better. Still, it needed to be done. Finally, I did what I should have done from the begining, I told him I couldn't talk to him anymore and stopped anwering his calls. If you want a wound to heal, you have to stop poking it.
He has over 4 thousand dollars worth of my stuff. Some of it was on loan and some of it I told him  I would give him in exchange for him finishing up a project that we'd been working on. Most of it was technology and so has deteriorated in value since then. However, I've been asking for the stuff that was on loan to be returned and the project to be finished for much more than a year now.
I've finally given up and realized the obvious. I'm not the only one who acted shitty in that whole mess. My ex is not a victim. At least not anymore than everybody is. I had every right to leave. This last statement is obvious, however, it's surprisingly hard to believe. Especially when somebody whom you loved and trusted tries to convince you otherwise.
I went on a cleaning spree, yesterday. I brought in all my boxes from the garage and dug through them. I usually keep one of two of those big plastic bins full of clothes that I am temporarily tired of. It so happens that there are some very beautiful things that have taken up perminant residence in there because they were gifts from my ex. Somehow I just couldn't get rid of the. It felt like it would be a betrayal...
A betrayal of what exactly? I owe him nothing. I don't need to hang on to this pain just because I know that we wants me to.
I put the stuff that was useful out on the sidewalk with a free sign. Some of it I threw away. I'm going to burn anymore love letters that I find. Like all dead things, dead feelings deserve a  proper funeral. If you keep them around sometimes they develop a life of their own and jump out like drooling zombie emotions; dead and hungry for more aguish to feed their evil. Goodbye guilt. I'm letting you go. The past is the past.
Exboyfriend, if you have found this blog and are reading this, I'm sorry that I hurt you. I hope you're happy with my stuff. "Life is life now!"

A small adventure.

I was upset. Stressed to the point where my thoughts went round and round in unproductive circles. It was dizzying. The heat has been keeping me from sleeping well the last few days. I told Andrew that I needed a walk, grabbed my phone and stumbled out into the brightness. I don't know why but walking in a more or less straight line nearly always does the same for me thoughts. They inevitably stop looping and become calmer more logical and more linear when I walk; not pace mind you, but walk. I headed south towards campus. It's pleasantly green and the old neighborhoods this side of it are shaded by big maple treas.
I called Mom and Sarah and told them about the troubles of the day. The talking too inevitably cleared my head.
The heat was enough to have chased most sensible people inside. When I reached Oak Creek, I scrambled down the bank and put my feet in the water. Oak creek is mostly ankle deep at this time of year, but it has carved itself deep barks during spring and winter floods. It was quiet and shady. There were water striders and I spotted a crawdad. After sitting on a gravel bar with my feet in the water for a while, enough of the peacefulness of the place had seeped into my soul for me to think about going back home.
I decided that I would sit down in the creek so that I would be nice and cool for my walk home. Sitting in the creek was so nice and calming that I stayed there for some minutes watching the water striders and smelling the smells of cool water, decaying plants and growing things.
I would have stayed there longer but the damn crawdad bit me! That got me up quick. He didn't really get a hold so it didn't hurt, but boy was I surprised. Every crawdad that I've ever met has made a point of staying away from people. By the time I got home, my clothes were nearly dry, but the coldness from the creek was still with me and I didn't mind the heat so much. Before too long, I fell asleep on the living room floor. The cats kept me company.